President Barack Obama has declared the entire state of Mississippi a federal disaster zone after a recent visit, though he cited no particular cause.
"It's just awful in general," said President Obama.
Though the state is prone to hurricanes, floods, tornados, oil spills and has the worst economy and school system in the union, none of these were mentioned by the president.
"It's more the way local residents give me the heeby-jeebies around every turn," said Obama.
FEMA is preparing to send Mississippi residents millions of iPods and Blu-Ray players.
"Fuck you," stated neighboring New Orleans, Luisiana in a press release.
By declaring Mississippi a disaster zone, the state is also eligible for emergency federal funding.
"I don't care if they use it on landscaping, dental care or a technical school," said the president.
"Hell, if we paid people to stop staring at you from their porch, it'd be worth it."
The residents of Mississippi are not expected to be left to their own devices again for a very long time.

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